Critique # 2:

I want to thank Ginny for letting us look at her work. I know this will be helpful to a lot of writers.

Ginny has done an okay job with format.  One the plus side, she has everything an editor wants: her name, address, email the page numbers, word count and double spacing.

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.But there are still 6 ways Ginny can impress the next editor.

1. She can add a short title and her last time to the header. If an editor prints of her pages for any reason-- some still do this--and get separated, the editor can put them back together. However, if she really wants to do this right, she'll hide this information on the first page. (Click on the header- under design tab go to options and check "Different first page." )

2. She'll left align her address and right aline her page numbers. Here I'f just put of bunch of spaces. You can also input a text box, set tabs, or creat an invisible graph. While it's uncommon for an editor to call her, it does happen. Especially, if the publication is approaching a deadline and Ginny isn't returning emails. Always include a contact number.

I've also removed the bold from 1 and 2. Writers want to draw the editors attention to their prose.

3. We're going to put some spaces between the tittle and her personal information. I like to put 12 single spaces or 6 double spaces. There's not set rule here, but your title should start about halfway down the page.

4. The title is centered and the biggest text. It doesn't hurt to make your title memorable.

5. Always put a by line. It may seem redundant but if the author uses a pen name, it's obvious because it's different from the name in the personal information. If the names are the same, the editor knows this author doesn't have a pen name.  

6. I like to put for lines, but the exact number doesn't matter. If your unsure, zoom out and see out it looks. An editor should be able to read the title when he or she is doing a preview.


*** Later in this tale becomes nested.There are standard ways to format a nested story, but Ginny has chosen non-standard format that means extra work for the editor. It can also indicate other things that Ginny would prefer the editor didn't know about her reading habits. And hey, the assumptions the editor makes about this things could be entirely wrong.

But it was your first impression and rarely do writers get the chance for a second impression.

The critique

Something of Value by Ginny Swart (Original)
Hugh Forrester, Andre’s grandfather, spent most days slumped on a chair in the corner of the sitting room, champing his gums and making loud sucking noises. Sometimes he muttered wordlessly under his breath. Mostly, he stared out of the window, his milky grey eyes fixed on something distant and unseen, with his claw-like fingers rubbing his knees, up- and- down, up- and- down. He smelled stale, although his daughter Meg laid out clean underwear for him every day.

Andre’s friends who came to play just grimaced at each other, too polite to comment, but he was mortified that his grandfather had to be seen at all.

 “Must Granddad sit there all the time?” he complained, “Can’t he stay in his room? He doesn’t even know what’s going on. He wouldn’t notice if you just left him in his room with the door shut.”


My Revisions:

Andre's grandfather spent most days slumped on a chair in the corner of his living room, rubbing his knees with his claw-like fingers rubbing his knees, up- and- down, up- and- down. As he stared, he champed his gums, making loud sucking noises. Sometimes, he muttered under his breath. Mostly, he stared out of the window, his milky grey eyes fixed on something distant and unseen.  He smelled stale, although Andrew's mother dressed his grandfather in clean clothes every day.

Whenever Andre’s friends came to play, they were polite, but Andrew always saw them grimace. He was mortified that his grandfather had to be seen at all. At dinner one night after his friends had gone home, Andrew slumped in his chair.

 “Must Granddad sit there all the time?” he complained, “Can’t he stay in his room? He doesn’t know what’s going on. He wouldn’t notice if we just left him in his room with the door shut.”



Why I did what I did.
If we want to sell work, we have to look at the business aspect of writing. People kind of look at business as cold and calculating, but the issue is more complex.

In the first corner we have readers. These people are not writers and for the most part they don't care about grammar. They want to enjoy reading and be entertained by a story. .

In the second corner, we have the publisher. Sometimes the publisher and editor on one in the same, but usually. The publisher wants to make money. His or her job goal is to make a product that people will buy.

In the third corner is the author, who wants to make a living writing without compromising vision.

And being pulled three ways is the editor who must balance the writers artistic vision with the market (who the readers are greatly affect what kind of content a publisher will buy and what flaws they will accept) and the needs of the company. 

I've mentioned all this because, none of my changes were arbitrary. Ginny's story is publishable, but it contains structural issues that might make selling it hard.

Point of view (POV).
There are three characters and the narrator takes all three points of view. However, this in not a case of Omniscient narration. Whether it's first, second, third, omniscient and limited omniscient, whatever POV the writer chooses, he or she must do it in a way that says "I'm in control of the prose."

Hugh Forrester, Andre’s grandfather, spent most days slumped on a chair in the corner of the sitting room champing his gums and making loud sucking noises. Sometimes, he muttered wordlessly under his breath. This is a very vivid description. However, Hugh Forrester is introduced as Andre's grandfather. Readers don't know who Andre is. Also, Andre has taken possession of Hugh Forrester (and later Hugh takes possession of Meg), which suggests the main character is Andre.... or wait, is it Hugh? The entire first paragraph is about him. Readers are very forgiving. They want to go where a writer takes but they can't because the author's intent isn't clear. A publishing company isn't going to make money buy confusing readers.  I recommend third person, not because the rule book says multiple POVs is bad. Later in the story it becomes clear that Andre is the main character (MC) and the scope of the story calls for third person. 

Structure
This is pretty much how sentences are put together. Structure affect how reader enjoyment. 90% of communication is physical. Writers cannot use gestures, tone or facial expressions to convey their message when the recipient gets confused. All you have only the words on the page.
 Mostly, he stared out of the window, his milky grey eyes fixed on something distant and unseen, with his claw-like fingers rubbing his knees up- and- down, up- and- down.
(There are some very complex structural issued going on. There is no simple explanation. However, to help you see it, I've color coded the the sections. Light red and red are related. Red, is actually an independent sentence that's been spliced to the first. It could stand on it's own but the comma splice makes the entire sentence function like an adjective. The blue sentence should read
rubbing his knees up-and-down, up-and-down with claw-like fingers. But it can't because the subject of the previous sentence is eyes. "Grey eyes fixed, rubbing..." The eyes are doing the rubbing.

We could change 'with' to 'and' and 'rubbing to 'rubbed.'
Mostly, he stared out of the window, his milky grey eyes fixed on something distant and unseen, and his claw-like fingers rubbed his knees up- and- down, up- and- down.

This works but I didn't do this my example because rubbing is more tactile than staring. There is no definite rule on this, but grouping similar actions together affects readability.

He smelled stale, although his daughter Meg laid out clean underwear for him every day. This sentence is fine but later on this page there is a continuity issue. Grandpa is completely unaware of his surroundings so how can he put on his own underwear?

Andre’s friends who came to play just grimaced at each other, too polite to comment, he was mortified that his grandfather had to be seen at all.
This sentence has several complex structural issues.
Orange: Here's an example as to why pronouns are tricky. The pronoun applies to proceeding antecedent. In other 'he' is Andre's friends and that doesn't make sense. Of course readers will understand what is meant. If this story were to be published on a blog or maybe released as a single on Kindle, this probably won't hurt Ginny's career one whit. However, if she wants to sell this story, an editor is going to know that Ginny doesn't know this is wrong. If the editor were to correct the structure, might have to explain the grammar rule. Now, if there were no other structural errors in the story, this might not even get changed.

Green: This defines which of Andrew's friends. This description would be necessary if we had met Andrew's friends and knew which ones came to play and which ones didn't. It's a great shorthand technique to use in longer works. Descriptions like this can trigger a collection of information without rehashing a lot of details. 

Purple: There is correct. I only changed this part because I wanted to show how ideas can effect comprehension. Which way was easier to read? Which style do you like more.


Third Paragraph
Timeline:  Above we've jumped to an event that spans past present and future. (The first paragraph does this to some extent as well.) Below is a specific event. While it's okay to jump into dialogue, readers need help transition from a very wide time span to one that is very specific.


“Must Granddad sit there all the time?” he complained, “Can’t he stay in his room? He doesn’t even know what’s going on. He wouldn’t notice if you just left him in his room with the door shut.”
Even though I know 'he' means Andrew, grammatically speaking, "Grandfather" is "he."



Soon I'm going to zip my lips. Well, to be precise, bind my fingers so I can't type, but first:

Whatever flaws a story has with character, setting or plot, there are plenty of readers who will not only enjoy it, but fall in love. Readers are not writers. It's easy to forget that when you spend all your time getting critique from writers. And the truth is, after a certain point all the stuff you do in critique doesn't affect saleability. It affects your ability to write, but it can't remove the element of luck in getting published. The other truth is, the more you sell the easier it is to sell. This has a lot less to do with begin known and more to do with knowing how to dress your manuscript. If you're searching for your first sale there are three things you must do.
1. Knock on a lot doors.
2. Wear your pants and put on your shirt.
3. Better yet, don some slacks and button down.

Thank you Ginny. I know many writers will appreciate and benefit from looking at your lovely story through this perspective. 

M.