Part 1 is here
I stopped. There was no point in making a fool of myself over a squirrel. Plus, my human had reached the top of the gully. I turned to him and beat my tail on the ground, shuffling dry leaves and twigs. Einstein stumbled forward. I sniffed the air. He smelled like black bananas, moldy tuna and vinegar. That meant he was angry enough to tan my hide and had enough energy left to do it. (By tanning I mean a bath. Double the horror.)
"Meeeat Heeaad, get over here!" Einstein shouted.
"You need more exercise!" I flattened out into a headlong gallop, ears flapping in the wind, tail streaming out behind.
His demands for obedience faded as drew further away. I burst through a bush, sprang over a small creek, and galloped up a hill and down the other side, swerving around trees without slowing and startling a fox napping in a thicket. It warned me to slow down before I hurt myself. Ignoring him, I barreled toward an enormous tree that had fallen many years ago. The trunk was covered with a thick carpet of moss dotted by colonies of mushrooms and fungus.
"Weeeeeeeeee!" I leaped, ears spreading out like wings on a plane.
I hung in midair and crash! My head hit the tree. I tumbled to the ground and, because the wind had been knocked out of me, remained on my side while all the nearby critters chittered with laughter.
"You're too fat," the fox said smugly as it trotted off.
"Fat?" I jumped to my paws and shook off the pine needles. "I eat well is all."
A wise old owl poked its head out of its burrow located in the treetop of an overarching and ancient pine. It hooted eerily, "I’ve seen the future. Don’t go into the meadow. Don’t dig."
I’ve heard humans say that if you listen to advice and accept instruction, you will be wise. I’m the best dog in the world. That means I was born wise.
"Oh, I’m scared. Just shaking in my paws, I am." I dashed around the tree that I’d crashed into the tree that had attacked me and burst through some brush into a little meadow.
Einstein would die here in three days, but I couldn't know that. Not then. I hadn't been born with an ounce of clairvoyance. Dogs will know that clairvoyance means having the ability to see the future. Furthermore, there were lots of meadows and the owl could have meant one to the north or south.
Where was I? Ah, yes. Tall grass swayed in a slight breeze fragrant with moldering plants and earthy dirt. I hop-hopped rabbit like around the meadow.
"Weeeeeeeee!" I howled. "Awooo weeeeee!"
I've heard humans say that hindsight is twenty-twenty. I don't know much about that. What I do know is, if I hadn't taken my human on a run through the woods, a zombie formally known as Hubert Pines would still be buried and my favorite person would have a pulse.
"Meat Head! Meat Head!" Einstein Angleton shouted and stomped his foot. "MEEEEEEEEEEAT HEAAAAAD!"
I plopped down on a pile of leaves across from my favorite person. He was other side of the gully shading his eyes as he searched for me among the trees. We were in Hinckley Park, located in Hinckley, Ohio, in case you didn't already know. I'm Meat Head. Nice to meet you. I'm mostly Great Dane with a little of this and a lot of that thrown in for good measure. I have a nose like a bloodhound and a of pair ears that go on for miles. I'm the best dog in the world.
My problems started that Sunday in Hinckley Park and ended on Wednesday a mile from where I sat down to wait for Einstein. Despite his name, my human is an idiot. I guess his parents thought he would be smarter if they gave him a smart name. Well, he's seven. That's forty-nine if you count in people years. He lives with his mother and works at a camera shop.
Humans are practically blind and as you probably already guessed, this fact was extra true for Einstein who had yet to locate me.
"I'm right here, you idiot."
"Meat Head, get your butt over here. I'm not climbing up and down mountains after your sorry hide."
I sniffed the air. Sweat has different smells depending on how mad your human is at you. My human always gets angry when I exercise him. I try to tell him, "It's good for you," and that sounds like "woof." Going forward, anything I say always sounds like "woof". Unless you're a dog. Then it sounds like an intelligent conversation.
Where was I? Ah, yes. Einstein smelled darn mad, so I didn't want him to catch me until he felt too tired to torture me. Dogs will know that torture means being tied outside or stuffed into one of those pet carriers. The horror.
I barked again and pranced in a circle. He slapped his leg and whistled. I wagged my tail. He hurled a few bad words in my direction which sounded like, "blah, blah, blah". I loped out of sight, but stopped at the nearest moss-covered log and raised my leg to water it. I knew that Einstein had started after me because the forest rang with the tale-tell crashing of a person tumbling down the gully. He sounded like an elephant. Several birds cursed me and all my relatives as they fled the nearby trees. A deer stuck his tongue out at me before bounding off. How rude! But not as rude as the squirrel who bit my tail.
Meat Head the Worst Dog in the World will be posted here in easy to read increments. Read for oldest to newest if you haven't been following along.
Can't Wait to find out what happens next?